if i was a criminal i would do all my crimes on a scooter so the police would only see one footprint every few meters and theyd look for a one-legged man with powerful jumping muscles instead of me
I’ve had trouble sleeping lately, so to remedy that I started listening to a soundtrack of Dane Cook’s stand-up coupled with the noise of 20 orangutans screeching and throwing feces but it just sounds like 21 orangutans screeching and throwing feces and the whole experiment was entirely ineffective.
Because we’re all subtle ass self conscious motherfuckers(via aheadtooheavy)
If you hit on a girl and she tells you that you wouldn’t be able to handle her, tell her that you have put plenty of huge pussies in your pooper before and hers probably isn’t even that big so stop bragging. We get it - you think your vagina is really long and thick. So what? I’ve had vaginas inserted into my body that looked like rolled up manta rays. I’m sure you’re nothing compared to that. You’re a wimp. You’re a pile of dead worms.